At Times I Am Downright Maniacal

I learned many things at my liberal arts college and, as these things naturally go, very little of it was in classes. I learned the value of alcohol as a social lubricant, the incredibly aggressive attitude the women’s advocacy group would take to cement themselves as equals while also demonstrating how worthless men were, and how loosely a university will throw around the label of “food.” However, there is one lesson that sticks in my memory brighter than the others: knock on the back door gently.

I was going out with a girl named Stacey who was, for all intents and purposes, a sexual eye-opener. No lie, I tried a lot of new things with that little lady. Then she drops the bomb most guys would probably love to hear- she wants to try anal. She’d never tried it before and (being more or less a sexual greenhorn) neither had I. Honestly, I never had the intense drive to dip my bucket in that particular well, but modern men’s literature led me to believe it was the greatest thing ever so why not?

We prepped for our evening by having some drinks. On her end, it was a good idea. Alcohol would lessen any pain and destroy any remaining inhibitions that might keep her from fully enjoying herself. On my end, a little more moderation would have helped. Sure, maybe I had an inhibition or two to knock down myself, but I also needed to retain total control over my motor skills and judgment. Booze consumed and fore successfully played, we assumed the position. Heavily lubed up, I placed myself firmly against the out door.

“Ready?”

“Mmm. Ready.”

Remember now, I was a rookie but here I was batting in the majors. Anal sex, I learned very quickly, is not like regular sex. Normally she and I would go hard and go fast. This doesn’t carry over. I think I got one thrust in, and a thrust it was. The scream of agony tore through my inebriation like a strong cup of coffee and a blast of ice water. I made a hasty retreat and apologized repeatedly asking if she was ok. After about a day of not sitting comfortably she turned out just fine.

But we never tried it again.